I’ve been trying to think of something to blog about. It’s been really hard because like I said on Facebook, my mind has been all over the place. Right now I really don’t know if I’m coming or going. And with what happened on Friday, those 20 babies going to heaven….it just brought up the memory of the day Chance left me. One day I’ll be able to tell the story of our last day together but right now, I just can’t do it.
It’s hard losing a child. I say this all the time. But people don’t really understand that. It’s not the same as losing a parent, sibling or another relative. (not that I know anything about that. I just know that the bond is different between a parent and a child). When you lose a child, your entire world changes. You’ll never be the same person you were. Some people change for the better and some change for the worst. But either way, you’re going to change. Losing your child unexpectedly…the worst feeling ever. I’m sure some of those parents feel the guilt that I still feel. For example, I’m sure one of those children on Friday told their parents that they didn’t feel well and that they didn’t want to go to school only for the parent to still make them go. I’m sure a parent wanted to keep their child home from school that day(I feel like this all the time with Brandon) but they still made their son or daughter go. Guilt. When something happens to your child, you go into protection mode. I feel guilty because, on April 3, 2012, I didn’t protect Chance. Honestly, I could have lost Brandon that same day. And that’s a scary feeling.
We don’t understand why God allowed that boy to go into the school and do what he did. We may never understand. But mental illnesses are real!! More than mental illness, demonic spirits are ALL AROUND US!!! The Bible tells us in Ephesians 6:12 “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places…” You don’t know what kind of spirit is beside you when you’re at work, sitting in class, even at church!! And the Bible says that what’s in you, good or evil will eventually come out. We need to as a nation pray for this. Pray that our hearts be cleaned and renewed daily. Because it’s only going to get worse. The Bible is real. What it says will definitely come to fruition. It has to. God can’t tell a lie. But what I do know and again, it’s taken me months to get here. And I can’t say how I will feel tomorrow, God knows what he’s doing. And he always does what’s best for us.
There is a story about a man that was going on a trip. When he was leaving his family was sad because where he was going, he didn’t know anyone. The man got nervous and anxious. He didn’t know what he was going into. So while the man was on the plane he was wondering about his next destination. Because remember, he didn’t know a single person there. But when he got off of the plane, he saw how beautiful it was. Then something happened that was weird to him. People were jumping up and down, HAPPY to see him. They were hugging on him. They were eager to see him. They knew who he was!! He wasn’t amongst strangers. He was with his new family. So think of the children’s journey. They got to heaven on Friday and the Angels welcomed them. They were happy to see them. They are having the best welcome party ever!! When we all get to heaven, we’re going to have a wonderful time…That’s a promise from God!!
My heart goes out to the parents of the children and teachers that lost their loved ones on Friday. But when I think about it, we know for a fact that those kids are gone to Heaven. They’re in a world on “No more”. No more hurt. No more sadness. No more abuse. No more liars. No more sickness. No more murder. No more pedophiles. No more bullying. Oh, what a better place to be!! I know that it hurts their parents. But when they realize that our heavenly Father knew that he was protecting those children from, what a mighty shout they’re going to have!!! It may not be today, tomorrow, next week or next month…but they will get there. They’ll realize the strength that God has given them. Some will come out of this victorious and know that there will be Glory after this. Some will give up. Let’s pray for them. Because I’ve been there. But let us keep them in our prayers. Satan is about to get really busy in their lives. He doesn’t want God to get the glory out of this. But one thing I know…He will ALWAYS GET THE GLORY IN THE END!!!!
We don’t know what kind of lives those children would have been subject to later on down the road. We don’t know what kind of death they could have had. We don’t know how Satan could have made their lives miserable. But we know that God is good and his mercy is everlasting. My heart is definitely heavy. I know the sorrow and the pain that they’re going through. I know that it will not get better overnight. I know that they will question God. I know that they will be angry with him. But I also know that HE UNDERSTANDS! Everything that has happened was in our script of life before we were ever born. Every thought and every action. It’s already been written. And while we’re wondering why things happen to us, God is saying, “Why not you?” “Who are you supposed to be?” We aren’t exempt from pain and suffering. We aren’t exempt from sorrow. And a lot of people are asking “where was God when these children died?” and I’ll close with this…He’s the same place he was when he allowed his one and ONLY Son to die for us…