All week, I’ve had the hardest time falling asleep. I’m not sure why but it’s 12:57 am and I’m still up. Weird because I’ve been moving around all day. My body is TIRED but sleep evades me.
I’m over it. Honestly. Truly.
This is the first time in a long time that I’ve been unable to sleep. I’ve been laying here attempting to figure out what’s going on. I come up with nothing.
I’ve taken sleep aids. I’ve made a drink. Watched King of the Hill(that was crazy because I laughed for an hour straight. That’s my favorite show) Tried counting sheep. I have a black eye mask that I thought would help. Started the cleaning I planned for tomorrow…still awake. Brandon is wondering why I’m still awake because I’m normally asleep by 10 on a bad night.
Subconsciously, I must be stressed about something. I’ve truly been trying to control my stress levels and not worry about anything. I really had a good week. Go figure.
This is weird. I’m tied. For real. Let me pull out my Bible and turn on some rain sounds and pray.
I feel so anxious and I don’t know why. Well, I am bothered by something that happened earlier this week. I guess I’ll talk about it. Maybe releasing it will help me get it off my chest. You can’t heal if you don’t reveal. That’s what they say at least.
Sunday, I kept Harmony. I enjoy her so much and she is really growing up on us. She reminds me so much of Chance it’s unreal. I’ve come to realize that all babies sound the same. I try really hard to not compare them. I want her to be her own person.
Anyway, she was over and we were in the living room watching TV. Because she’s only two, she is really active. She’s extremely busy. Too busy for me. My mom was on FaceTime and I promise, I kept my eyes on her. She strolled over to a bookcase that’s right by the tv. Again, I’m looking directly at her to see what she would do. Harmony walked over to the bookcase and put her foot on it like she was about to climb it. I lost it!
I’m about to cry thinking about it. I was supposed to get her one day this week to help out Drea and Darrick but I couldn’t. I said to myself that it’s too much on me. I haven’t been able to childproof the house completely yet. The tv is anchored. I don’t have any free standing furniture in this house other than the bookcases. And I refuse to let something happen to her on my watch.
I’ve felt guilty pretty much all week because of this. Most people know that a tv and dresser were the causes of Chance’s passing. It brought back so many memories and it overwhelmed me. Whenever I walk in the living room, the bookcases haunt me. It’s like they’re taunting me. I’ve felt so guilty about what happened to Chance and like I tell people all the time, I never saw her climb a dresser.
I literally watched Harmony walk over to it. I could see the aftermath vividly. It’s a horrible feeling. And, it’s crazy because people seem to think that children die from tipovers because parents aren’t watching their children. A tipover can literally happen in the blink of an eye.
I avoided my brother all week because I couldn’t face him. Like, I felt negligent because she was with me. I told her that she couldn’t do that but let’s be honest, she’s only two. She doesn’t understand the dangers. It’s so unfortunate.
Because I’m trying to own my feelings and control my thoughts, I called my brother and told him why I haven’t gotten her this week. He understood and listened to me cry about it. He’s going to help me get rid of the bookcases this weekend.
I encourage EVERYONE to take inventory of what’s in your home. There are so many dangers you don’t realize. So, I’ll share a link:
I’m learning to sit in my thoughts and feelings to think things through. Because, I cannot run from what happened to us. I’ll never forget it but avoiding and not owning how I feel isn’t healthy. It’s taken me almost nine years to admit to myself that I’m not ok but I’m getting there.
At the end of the day, what happened to Chance was not my fault. Because I believe in God, I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that I have to forgive myself and let go of misplaced guilt. I didn’t know about anchoring. I love my children and I would never do anything to hurt them. I know that God allowed this tragedy to happen to help someone else. Chance is fine. She loves me. And when she was here, she knew that I loved her.
I forgive myself. I accept what happened. It wasn’t punishment for something I did. It was truly an unfortunate accident.
Amen.
Well, I was not expecting to go on a tangent tonight but guess what, I’m sleepy. Hopefully I don’t have to count a million sheep.
Oh, it’s 1:57 am.
Keisha Bowles 