So today I was leaving the house for church. And I’ve been going to church a couple of times a month since January. Well today as I was walking out of the door, something hit me. I was telling Brandon to come to the car and I told him to get Chance’s bag. Then reality hit me. She’s not with us. I thought I would be fine so I continued on my drive. Well when I got close to Earle, the tears came. I started thinking about where she is. And that we’ll never ride to church together again. I get to the turn into town and by now my face is full of tears. I have no idea where they came from. No idea. I sit in my car for about 5 minutes before getting out. When I walk into the church, I know that I can’t stay. Still, I go inside and sit down. The next thing I know is I’m grabbing Brandon by his hand and we leave. Again, the process starts and I cry the entire way home….

Since then, I’ve been wondering why thoughts of her consumed my mind today. I think about Chance everyday. All of the time. But sometimes those thoughts hurt my heart. I realize that she’s gone. I thought that I was getting better. Since her Angel Day I haven’t really cried. I’ve  been feeling it build up. I fight through the tears everyday. I feel like people think that I should be over it by now. After all, it has been a year. But to someone that’s lost a child, a year feel likes a day. Time certainly does not heal all wounds. And I can honestly say that it feels like I lost her yesterday. Some people don’t understand that.

When I lost Chance, I didn’t want to talk to anyone that knew her. I didn’t want people to look at me with pity. So I tried talking to people that didn’t know anything about her and I would get upset because they didn’t acknowledge her. When I would bring her up they would change the subject. That would piss me off. People would tell me that I need to move on and let her go. How could they say things like that? Then I wonder how they would feel if they lost a child or someone as special as Chance…could you pick up and move on? Someone that was the light in your life. The one that would look at you and make you heart smile. Someone that made your heart full. Brandon and Chance completed me. And now half of my heart is literally gone. I know that it will never be the same. Never at all.

Then you wonder what you did to deserve this. You wonder if you’re being punished for something you did. Of course in reality you know that you’re not but sometimes I wonder if I would feel better knowing why I was chosen for this. I don’t want to be strong all the time. Sometimes I want people to just let me cry and talk about how I’m really feeling. I know that people can’t understand if they haven’t been through it but can they at least try to? Can they not try to redirect the conversation? Can they ask how I’m really doing and not expect for me to say, “I’m fine..” Can I tell them that I really didn’t want to get out of bed today? Or that driving my car puts me in such a state of depression that I wish someone would burn it up? Can I tell them that I hate hearing stories about their little girls? Can I be honest with them without the judgment? Can I really be honest? No, I can’t. I’m expected to be this superwoman that’s supposed to be over it by now. And that hurts.

I’m fighting myself everyday. But it’s my fight. This was the life that God chose for me to live. I just have to find a way to deal consistently. The race isn’t given to the swift nor to the strong but to the one that endures until the end….My faith has been shaken but it’s getting stronger. I remember that Joseph went through a lot in his life to. But it was all for a purpose. So I know that Chance’s purpose and my purpose will have to be fulfilled. And I know that in the end, God will get all of the Glory. But right now, I just need people to let me be. Let me cry. Let me be sad. Let me hurt. You don’t know how much it means when someone that says they care will just come and sit with you and let you do what you need to do. Crying in silence is ok but it’s not fair. Putting on a strong front is good but it’s not fair. Especially when some days being strong is the hardest thing for you to do….

I’ll be fine. This is just a hard day. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have another “chance” to get it together.

KB