This is the first blog post of the year. I’ve had PLENTY of things to blog about but I got writer’s block each and every time I started. So consistency is the theme for this year for me. Not starting and stopping. I think I know what the problem is with the writing though. I feel so limited in what I should or what I can say. And while I don’t feel that it’s fair….I don’t have much of a choice right now. One day I’ll be able to say what I want and how I want. Can’t wait for that day!
So what to talk about? Many situations have already happened to me and it’s just the 19th day of the year. I’m already wondering what else is going to happen this year. One thing I know is that whatever happens, happens. I have to trust that God knows what I can and cannot handle. But wow, I feel like I CAN’T handle anything else but I know that’s not true. Most times we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I’m a living witness and testament to that.
Satan is so busy. Man, just when I think I’m getting somewhere, this joker just hits me with things that should have literally made me lose my dang mind. I’m so glad that my soul has been anchored because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here to write this tonight. But this is all apart of my testimony. All apart of the script that is my life. It’s going to go on with or without my wanting it to.
The past few days have been some of the roughest days since my baby has left. Just when I think that I’m past certain things, it comes right on back to the surface!! That’s what grief is. Being a grieving mother is like being bipolar. One moment you can smile and laugh and be happy. Days, hours, minutes, literally seconds later you can be consumed with sadness, regret, anger, hurtful images, guilt, etc. And you have to try so hard to decide how to handle those emotions. It’s very hard and people don’t really understand. I’ve felt like a fraud. A fake sometimes. I feel like I’ve mislead people. Not intentionally but because I don’t want to bring people down. I smile when I feel like crying. Being around people when all I want to do is be in bed. Going on with my life when I feel like I want to go back to the past.
Thing is, just because I’m grieving the world doesn’t stop. Bills don’t stop. People still get married. Babies are still being born. People still go to work. Kids still have to go to school. The sun shines. It storms. Life just goes on. So I have to. With that being said, I’m still grieving. Even though it’s been 21 months. I’m still grieving. Even though I smile and laugh, I’m still grieving. Just because I can go out and have fun, I’m still grieving. Just because I can still make plans for my future, I’m still grieving!!! Goodness!!! I wish people knew how hard it is to make plans for Brandon and myself and not include Chance in them. It’s heart breaking indeed. But we have to keep going. Jeremiah 10:19 -20 says, “My wound is severe and my grief is great. My sickness is incurable, but I must bear it. My home is gone, and no one is left here to help me rebuild it. My children have been taken away, and I will never see them again…”
And trying to “bear” it is the hardest thing to do. Because life isn’t supposed to be this way. I wasn’t supposed to bury my Princess. I was supposed to be busy taking Brandon to his soccer practices and taking her to dance classes. I was supposed to rush for work because I was getting Brandon ready for school and “attempting” to comb her hair. I’m supposed to be planning a 5th birthday party instead of a walk to raise awareness. Knowing that Brandon and I won’t see her here on Earth again is heartbreaking. Because I had SO many plans for the three of us. But again, those were MY plans. And I’m not in control. None of us have control. And the sooner we realize that we will be so much better off.
I wish I could express where this venting session came from. And in due time I will be able to. Soon I will. But what I want everyone that’s reading this to do is be understand to those that are grieving. Don’t rush them. Don’t think that just because YOU’VE moved on with your life that we have to do the same. Don’t think that just because we’re able to laugh and have fun that we’re not breaking down inside. No matter how long it’s been since we’ve lost our loved ones, it still feels like it just happened to us. Don’t be insensitive. You may be in our shoes one day. But one thing that we(grievers) won’t do is tell you to move on with your lives. We won’t make you feel that you have to be strong in front of us. We will let you do exactly what you need to do without judgment. At least, I’m that way.
I’m glad that God has shown favor in me and has allowed me to be the strong person that you’re able to see. But don’t take it for granted. I still have my moments that unfortunately are reserved for the people closest to me. And for them, I’m truly thankful. Everyone isn’t blessed with people that truly care and love them. I’ve always had that. Even before Chance left. Before Chance left….that’s still so hard to say.
Anyway, I guess that’s all I have to say at this time. I’ve vented enough. I hope something I said can help someone else. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do since I’ve started blogging. This blog is my seed and I can’t wait for it to grow into what God really wants it to be. I truly believe this is my season. Oh yea, that’s a song too. William Murphy- It’s working. Download it. It will bless you!
Good night. Be blessed. Hopefully tomorrow you will have another day and another “chance” to get it right!