grief, Sydney Chance

Emotional Rollercoaster…

Today is rough. It feels like I’m living a bad dream. One I can’t wake up from. It doesn’t feel like 9 months have went by without seeing my Chance. It feels like she left yesterday. It’s amazing how someone can be in your life for such a short period of time but they leave such a big impact that it’s hard to move on without them. Chance was only here for two years. But she was so full of life! Everything that she wanted to do, she did. She danced in the middle of the Zoo. She went to the park every other day. She played in the Ocean. She went to the beach. She played in dirt. Made mud with anything that she could find. She kissed you and hugged you whenever she felt like it. She walked in heels better than I could. She applied make up to her face better than some make up artists. And if she loved you, she made sure you knew it. That’s the kind of person she is. That’s the person that was taken from me in an instant. That’s the person I miss every minute of the day. My life is in a huge fog right now that I can’t see out of.

But she taught me so much while she was here. And now I’m able to apply those things better than I could before. I learned from a TWO year old how to love someone. How to let them know how I feel because the next minute isn’t promised to us. I learned how to apologize when I’m wrong. I’ve learned how to forgive. I learned to live each day like it’s my last. I’m trying to be happy. Because that’s how she was. I’m realizing that I have to accept people for who they are instead of trying to change them into who I want them to be. When Chance met you, she accepted you for who you were. If she liked you, great. But if she didn’t, she didn’t fake the funk. Maybe I shouldn’t be like that…lol

I’m trying to remember that everyday won’t be good. Some days I’ll cry more than I’ll smile. Some days I’ll smile and remember ALL of the happy times that Chance, Brandon and I shared. But today isn’t one of those days. I’m missing her more than I can stand. And that’s the thing with grief. You can’t control it. It hits you when you least expect it. It hits in the midst of a happy situation. Like Christmas for instance, it was a good day. But when Brandon was opening his presents I realized that Chance wouldn’t. It hit me that she was really gone. And that last year was the last Christmas that I would ever have with her. It makes me feel bad that while Brandon is happy, I’m sad because I think about her. It makes me feel guilty like I’m shortchanging him. But am I really wrong? He doesn’t understand. But I haven’t been the same since she’s been gone. Hopefully I can come out of this. And hopefully he won’t resent me too much when he realizes that I’ve changed. That’s something that I have to keep praying about.

Oh well, I wasn’t planning on blogging today but letting these feelings out helped a little.

Thank you to everybody that’s still checking on me and calling me. I appreciate it more that you know. I know I’m not the easiest person to get along with sometimes but charge it to my head and not my heart.

Keisha

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