Things have been really busy for me the past week. Being busy is a blessing. But being tired SUCKS!!! And right now it feels like I’m running on fumes. I hope I’m not over-committing myself but time will tell. I’ll do whatever I have to do when it comes to telling our story. So I’ll take being tired and cranky. My family members are the ones that have to deal with it and they’ll be ok. LOL!!!
Fyi- I’ll be on the Today Show, Thursday, Dec 13. It’ll air between 7:30 and 8:00. So set your DVR’s. Tell anyone that has small children to watch it. That’s the reason I did the show. To raise awareness about furniture tip-overs. So please do that for me. It’s worth it.
This morning I was driving to Osceola and I was listening to the music on my phone like I normally do. But today, it was really hard on me. It took me back to last year when Brandon, Chance and I would be driving to Conway from North Little Rock and how she would be singing every song that played. I had to pull over because it really hit me that she’s gone. That I won’t ever have her in the car with me singing “Love on Top” or raising up her arms to “Single Ladies”. This is the worst feeling. Knowing that she’s really gone. Some days I can feel her with me. But today when I looked in the rear view mirror and I didn’t see her, it hurt. I physically felt a pain that I can’t describe. So today, I said, I can’t hold it in anymore. I had to let it out. The cry that I had this morning I haven’t had in a while. I can’t say that I feel better after crying but I can say that I needed it. I try so hard to keep it in that sometimes I feel like I can’t cry. Like I’m not supposed to. But today I decided that if I need to get a cry out, I’m going to do it. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness like I’ve always told myself. Crying is something I can do when I can’t find the words to say. So if you’re ever around me and I break down, just let me do it. I’ll appreciate you so much more in the end. 🙂
Lately, Brandon has been talking about Chance a lot. It’s really heartbreaking to hear him tell me how much he misses her. And there’s nothing that I can do to ease his pain. I sometimes forget that he’s suffering behind this too. He was in the room with her when it happened. I feel so guilty because I’ve been so focused on my hurt and my pain that I forget that he lost his sister too. They were so close. I can remember when his school had a Family Game night last year and we were waiting around for it to start. Chance and I were sitting on a bench looking at my phone. Chance looked up and she didn’t see Brandon. She asked me, “Mama, where is Bannon..?”…LOL(she says his name so cute). Anyway, she found him. And she didn’t like what she saw. He was playing with the two girls that were in his class. I was like, “Oh, no!!” Chance got up and walked over to them and said, “No, come on Bannon!!!” He just got on up and came over where we were sitting!! She didn’t play when it came to other girls having his attention. So I know that he’s missing her too. He’s only seven so he really can’t communicate that well to us. He has his days when all of his stories about her are happy. But then there are those when he comes up to me with tears streaming down his face because he wants her back. It breaks my heart. Children are often forgotten in the grieving process. So I’m really trying to be mindful now and I hope he forgives me for focusing so much on my grief that I forgot about his.
Grandparents are often forgotten in this process. I know that my parents love their grandchildren. And they’re stuck in a hard place. They lost Chance. And now they see me suffering behind it. And if you know my mom, you know that she fixes every problem that we ever have. And now she can’t. She has to deal with me crying and being sad. She has to deal with Brandon asking questions and missing Chance. I must say, I love that woman more than anything. When this first happened, I was still in Conway, she knew I needed some time so she came and picked him up for the ENTIRE summer. That backfired on me because he didn’t want to come back to Conway and she wouldn’t let him. So that messed me up in the end. She’s definitely been my Super Woman!! The bond that Chance and my Mom had is unexplainable. I know that her grief is right up there with mine.
That’s as transparent as I can be today…