It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep. There are nights like this. Nights when Chance is really heavy on my mind. It’s hard when you’re used to someone sleeping with you for two years and then that person is snatched away from you without warning. Now, I have to make sure that her side of the bed has something on it. Like, books, my laptop, pillows..anything to weigh her side of the bed down. It works sometimes but unfortunately, tonight isn’t one of those nights. Brandon is gone for the weekend 😦 Thankfully, he will be back tomorrow. I miss him too. This has definitely been a rough day for me.
But with this being the holiday season, things are definitely rough. It’s hard for me to hear certain Christmas songs. It’s very hard to go into certain stores. It’s hard to put up the Christmas tree. It’s hard to go around my family knowing that she won’t be there. I put up a good front most of the time but some days, I just need to be to myself. Like today, my Mom and I went shopping. I saw so many things that I know that Chance would have liked. So here’s a breakdown. I hear, “what do the lonely do on Christmas”, I can remember her trying to sing it in the back seat. I cry. I look at pictures on my phone and I see how excited she was last year about our Christmas tree. I realize that I can’t put the tree up right now. I know that these are things that I have to do for Brandon, but right now, I just can’t. It’s hard trying to be strong ALL the time. Sometimes I need to cry instead of trying to pretend that I’m superwoman. Sometimes, I want to just lay in bed with the TV off with just me and my memories. I feel like sometimes I can’t talk about her the way I want because some people think that I should be over it by now. But how can you be over someone who means the world to you? People don’t understand that grief is real and that everyone handles it differently.
Sometimes other people try to help me get out of my grief by “offering” their advice or their versions of constructive criticism. They try to tell me to get over it or get back into life. Those comments hurt worse than you’ll ever know. But then I realize that I have an insight into this grieving process that they don’t have. I know that the length of grieving is different for each person. I know that if I try to rush it, I’m only prolonging the healing. People are like, “it’s been eight months. Don’t you think you should be over it by now?” That’s a very hurtful thing to say to someone who lost someone important to them. I know now that I can’t rely on other people to say the right words and provide the right comfort, but I can rely on God.
Even Job’s “friends” condemned him and didn’t understand his grief. “Then Job replied: I have heard many things like this; miserable comforters are you all!” (Job 16:1-2)
I know that if I want to heal from this, I must go through it and not around it. The grieving process is a healing process. I can’t look at it like it’s a goal. Each step that I make is a part of the process. It’s a part of my journey. It’s putting one foot in front of the other. And that’s what I’m aiming to do. I miss Chance so much and I know that she’s fine. She’s where I’m trying to be. I have to stand fast on what God says. I know that he won’t put more on me than I can bear. That he knows that I’m strong enough to handle this but to be honest I don’t feel that strong right now…I just want my baby back..
But God, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, but I know for sure that my journey has begun…
I pray that everyone has “Another day and another Chance”…