Greetings!
It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep. There are nights like this. Nights when Chance is really heavy on my mind. It’s hard when you’re used to someone sleeping with you for two years and then that person is snatched away from you without warning. Now, I have to make sure that her side of the bed has something on it. Like, books, my laptop, pillows..anything to weigh her side of the bed down. It works sometimes but unfortunately, tonight isn’t one of those nights. Brandon is gone for the weekend 😦 Thankfully, he will be back tomorrow. I miss him too. This has definitely been a rough day for me.
But with this being the holiday season, things are definitely rough. It’s hard for me to hear certain Christmas songs. It’s very hard to go into certain stores. It’s hard to put up the Christmas tree. It’s hard to go around my family knowing that she won’t be there. I put up a good front most of the time but some days, I just need to be to myself. Like today, my Mom and I went shopping. I saw so many things that I know that Chance would have liked. So here’s a breakdown. I hear, “what do the lonely do on Christmas”, I can remember her trying to sing it in the back seat. I cry. I look at pictures on my phone and I see how excited she was last year about our Christmas tree. I realize that I can’t put the tree up right now. I know that these are things that I have to do for Brandon, but right now, I just can’t. It’s hard trying to be strong ALL the time. Sometimes I need to cry instead of trying to pretend that I’m superwoman. Sometimes, I want to just lay in bed with the TV off with just me and my memories. I feel like sometimes I can’t talk about her the way I want because some people think that I should be over it by now. But how can you be over someone who means the world to you? People don’t understand that grief is real and that everyone handles it differently.
Sometimes other people try to help me get out of my grief by “offering” their advice or their versions of constructive criticism. They try to tell me to get over it or get back into life. Those comments hurt worse than you’ll ever know. But then I realize that I have an insight into this grieving process that they don’t have. I know that the length of grieving is different for each person. I know that if I try to rush it, I’m only prolonging the healing. People are like, “it’s been eight months. Don’t you think you should be over it by now?” That’s a very hurtful thing to say to someone who lost someone important to them. I know now that I can’t rely on other people to say the right words and provide the right comfort, but I can rely on God.
Even Job’s “friends” condemned him and didn’t understand his grief. “Then Job replied: I have heard many things like this; miserable comforters are you all!” (Job 16:1-2)
I know that if I want to heal from this, I must go through it and not around it. The grieving process is a healing process. I can’t look at it like it’s a goal. Each step that I make is a part of the process. It’s a part of my journey. It’s putting one foot in front of the other. And that’s what I’m aiming to do. I miss Chance so much and I know that she’s fine. She’s where I’m trying to be. I have to stand fast on what God says. I know that he won’t put more on me than I can bear. That he knows that I’m strong enough to handle this but to be honest I don’t feel that strong right now…I just want my baby back..
But God, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, but I know for sure that my journey has begun…
I pray that everyone has “Another day and another Chance”…
Goodnight
Keisha
Keisha Bowles 
Keisha each day I read ur blog makes me a better parent… I know u feel like the world is upside down right now but keep doing ur good deeds by promoting safety….. Keep up the good work and I am proud of U!!!! Goodnight
keep putting one foot in front if the other….just know that you are not walking alone…I can’t tell you that “I understand” or ” I know what you’re going through”, to be honest I don’t…All I know is that I’m here for you like, always… remember only the strong survive…love you..
It’s so easy for people to say what they would do if they were in this situation, but truth be told none of us know how we would react. Me personal I think I would have gave up from the beginning. I don’t know how you feel because I’ve never been in that situation, but I lost a very close friend over a year ago, and I still have days when I grieve like it just happen. Everyone is different & God does know how much we can bare. So you take as long as you need to grieve your angel. God know your
heart & your pain. He give you this task because he knew you could handle it. Praying for you & yours always!!!
u this task cause
he knew you could handle it. Likur strength
Disregard the end of my comment. My smart phone is stupid….LOL.
You’re giving us a look into your grief and this will help us understand and let us know what to say and what not to say. I’ve never lost a child but I’ve lost a loved one and it doesn’t compare but I said that to say this no one can tell you how long to grieve you lost a child which was at one time apart of your body I would think of it as losing a arm or a leg she was connected to you. So cry when you want to and know that if you need a shoulder I have two I love you cousin.
Baby Girl… The journey that has begun for you has started in the right direction, the reason that I say that is the most important key to this journey is GOD.. In his words he says if you make one step he wil make two.. So just remember that God will never leave you nor forsake you… That my love is words to live by… Love you mostest and proud of you to infinity and beyond!!!! 🙂
What God has for you is for, even this grieving process. This is a healthy process and you are so right, it is different for everyone. You go through this how the Lord leads you and do what Job did. He prayed for his friends that gave him this advice and after that God blessed him tremendously. Lots of love to you!!!!!
Hello Keisha! One person told me that you never really get over losing a child. People that are telling you that you should be over losing Chance obviously have never lost a child, and therfore can’t speak on the matter. With any loss, it takes time. Time is the key word here. And that time is totally up to you. Keep your head up Keisha, I am praying for you and your family. Much Love!
Keisha, you are right EVERYONE grieves differently… You know I’ve told u what my father meant to me… He passed away 10/13/10 and it took me a full year to learn to deal with a life without his love and support. I was such a Daddy’s girl that his death broke me down in ways I never imagined! It changed my whole perception of life and what was important and what wasn’t! Still today it’s tough and the pain is still there but it is easier… I kept those feelings bottled up just like u bc even 6 MNTHS later I was still so deeply depressed.. And I felt like nobody truly understood what i was feeling regardless if they lost a parent or not bc no one had my Daddy as a father just like Chance was your Chance! You remind me of me so much in dealing with the loss of Chance! I never stopped to think of what my Mama was feeling after 47 years of marriage… Or even how my siblings felt bc it was their Daddy too!! Maybe it’s that Pisces in us that allows us to put up this wall that we have to be so tough on the outside but yet we love so hard!?!?! Keisha I am here to tell you that without my strong faith in God…. And a great husband… That I don’t know how or what mental state I would be in! And I’m being totally honest! Keisha u know I’m a text message away if you need me! Miss you girl and I’m so PROUD of you.