I haven’t written a blog since my daddy died. He would have been the first one to tell me how good it was, how proud he was of me, and how much I’m helping people with my words. Writing again without his feedback or seeing one of his comments under the post has been numbing. I’ve been at a loss for words, doubting my talent, and afraid of being seen.

But as I sit here today, I know my daddy wouldn’t want me to hold back. He believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. I haven’t had an event for Chance since he died because he pushed me to do them. This post is for him, for the man who was my biggest supporter, my protector, and my inspiration.

How Life Got Turned Upside Down

I thought I had become a pro at grief after losing Chance. Her passing made me feel like I could face any loss life threw at me. But on June 29, 2021, everything I thought I knew about grief unraveled. Losing my daddy; so suddenly, so unexpectedly, broke me in ways I never imagined.

When my daddy passed, it felt like I didn’t just lose him. I lost my faith, too. After Chance passed, I held on to my belief in God, because my daddy was there to comfort me, to reassure me that she was in heaven. But when I lost him, everything changed. I turned away from God completely. My mama didn’t know if she was coming or going with me. I feel so bad that she had to carry the weight of our grief and the mess we were in, all while trying to navigate losing the person she had known for most of her life. She was so confused, because it wasn’t me, not the person she was used to.

I was angry with God. Upset! I thought, “You took my baby. You wanted my daddy, too?” I couldn’t understand it, and I didn’t want to hear anything about God. I didn’t go to church. I didn’t read my Bible. I couldn’t believe in Him anymore.

In the absence of faith, I sought answers elsewhere. I researched astrology, the afterlife, and theories about death. Heaven and Hell no longer seemed real to me, and everything I had been taught growing up felt like a lie. When Chance died, my daddy was my anchor. He was always there to answer my Bible questions and comfort me when I was overwhelmed. But when he left, I didn’t have him to lean on anymore, and I didn’t know how to process it. I couldn’t put too much on my mom, she was grieving too. So I turned back to what I was taught…God. With my daddy gone, I reached out to the next best person I trusted with my life: Rev. Eugene Farley. I texted his son, asking for his number or for him to call me(I can’t quite remember). But on my way home from work, I called him. I’m sure he was surprised to hear from me, but he didn’t turn me away, and I’ll always be grateful for that. I shared with him how I had turned away from God, how hard it was for me to believe what I once did, and a lot of other things. What he said to me, in a tone so gentle, really stuck with me: “Just like when you were a child and did something bad and were scared to face your parents. They were hurt, they may have been disappointed, maybe even mad, but their love for you never changed. They welcomed you back because you’re theirs, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them from loving you. That’s how God feels. You can curse Him, you can turn your back to Him, but He’ll never leave you. So, you’re the problem, babygirl, not God.” It was then that I started to come around. 

Making Sense of the Unexpected  

In 2021, my daddy was there for two major milestones in my life. I turned 40, and they surprised me with a party. A month later, on April 14, Brandon turned 16, and my daddy came to celebrate with us. That was the last time I saw him alive.

Between April 14 and June 29, I was too sick to see him, and as I later learned, he was hiding how sick he really was, too. We still talked every single day, though. Multiple times a day. Our 2 p.m. calls were sacred. It was just me and him, laughing and venting about everything under the sun. He was the one person that never repeated anything I told him. Darrick has now taken that spot because he won’t repeat NOTHING!! 

I cried the other day because I knew we’d be talking about all this presidential foolishness if he were still here. I’d give anything for one more of those 2 p.m. calls. 

Also, It’s crucial to stay aware of your parents’ health and keep an eye on any changes, even when they try to downplay it. Daddy would tell us how he felt, but he often minimized the severity. It wasn’t until Memo stepped in that we truly understood how serious things had become. If we had known sooner, perhaps we could have acted more quickly. Daddy didn’t like it, but we stayed on his case because we knew how dangerous stubbornness could be. We tried everything to get him to listen, but that man was Daddy, no one could tell him what to do.

The Day Everything Changed

On June 27, my brothers and I had a group chat with daddy that we communicated in. We were concerned about his health and wanted to figure out how to help him feel better. He promised us he’d take our advice and follow through with what we asked.

The next day June 28, 2021, we got a text from him with good news:

• Blood pressure: 111/69

• Oxygen: 100%

• Organs: In good shape

He told us the doctor changed his medication, gave him something to increase his appetite, and that his job was assigning him a helper. We were relieved and so hopeful that things were finally turning around.

But on June 29, 2021 everything changed.

4:38pm to be exact. 

My immediate family is so in tune with each other. I’m not exaggerating at all. We are so close that if something is wrong, we’re going to feel it. My daddy had to be at work at 6am and he didn’t touch his phone when he was working. If we called or texted and he couldn’t answer, we’d get the , “ I’ll call you back” quick reply. I HATED that response. Would do anything to get it now. 

At 4:38 p.m., life as we knew it ended. My daddy didn’t answer his phone for Memo. He was getting off work and he called daddy on his way home too. Immediately we knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t mention that I got a strange text  from him earlier that day and he never responded and he didn’t answer my 2pm call but I assumed he worked late. My brothers defied all rules getting to Bartlett to see what this man was doing because, why aren’t you answering our calls? Darrick was in traffic because one of the two bridges getting into Memphis were shut down and it was horrible so he turned around and came to me instead to wait it out. Still, we’re still calling and we’re not getting the auto text. I’m still wondering how Memo got to Bartlett so fast. But he always makes a way so I wasn’t surprised. He was going to find daddy.  

Memo made it to his street around the same time as my mom did and  just a few feet from his home, he was gone to heaven in his truck listening to gospel. Peacefully on a beautiful summer afternoon. When I think about it now, I KNOW that he was so happy. 

Life has been a blur since. 

Since my daddy’s passing, I’ve thought so much about all the things he’ll miss. He never met Harlem, who was born just a month after he passed and she’s the one he would have bumped heads with. He won’t see Brandon graduate from college and become the great man he raised him to be. He won’t see Darrick perform at his shows. I already know he’d be at every single one and mad because he couldn’t be the pianist. He was so proud of Memo and I hate that he can’t witness all of the incredible things he’s accomplished and continuing to do. He knew Memo could do anything and he would be proud to know how he’s stepped up in his absence. Both of them have. 

I believe he’s watching over us now, proud of everything we’ve done, and at peace. When he left, I felt sadness for myself and my brothers, but I also felt a deep sense of relief and happiness for him. My daddy had always been ready to be with his Lord and Savior, he was ready, without a doubt. I can imagine him driving down that road, hearing God say, “Zyno, it’s time to come home.” And my daddy, without hesitation, parked that truck and went to the place he had spent his whole life preparing for.

He had struggled since losing his mama in 2018, but when his brother, my Uncle Melvin, passed in February of 2021, my daddy’s heart shattered. I’d never seen him so hurt and broken. It was like a piece of him was gone, and he couldn’t fully bounce back from it. And honestly, I can’t say I’d be any different if I were in his shoes. 

Grieving a Present Father

Losing my daddy has taught me that grief doesn’t get easier, it just changes. It’s not something you get over; it’s something you learn to live with. I haven’t truly started to grieve his passing. I ran from the hurt and tried to fill his absence with things I had no business doing. 

If you’ve lost someone, especially a parent, I want you to know that it’s okay to grieve in your own way. It’s okay to feel angry, lost, or even abandoned. But don’t let those feelings consume you. Don’t do what I did and abandon everything you knew. Instead of turning to the foundation I was taught, I made so many unnecessary mistakes and decisions that I’m having a hard time overcoming. Let their love guide you, even when they’re no longer here physically.

To those who still have their parents, cherish them. Call them, visit them, and tell them you love them. Don’t let the busyness of life keep you from spending time with the people who matter most.

Healing Through Words

Losing my daddy has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, but it’s also taught me how deeply I was loved and how deeply we loved him. My daddy was there for every milestone, every celebration, and every tough moment. His love and faith were a guiding force in my life, and even though he’s gone, I still feel that love.

To anyone reading this who’s grieving, know that you’re not alone. Loss is an inevitable part of life, but it’s also a reminder of how much we’ve loved and been loved in return. My daddy may be gone, but his impact on my life will never fade.

As I step back into blogging after three years, I do so with his memory in my heart and a commitment to carry his legacy forward. Daddy, this one’s for you.