One of those nights

I am having a hard time getting to sleep tonight. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of what tomorrow holds. Let me back up, I’ve been sick with a flare up since January 1st. And it sucks.

Right, fourteen days into 2021 and I’ve been vomiting nonstop everyday. Day in and day out. It’s one of the most uncomfortable things that I’ve had to experience. I’ve had a couple of good days. Exactly two. I think probably two without being sick and I cherish those days. Usually after I’ve had a good day and I’m hopeful that the flare is finally gone, I wake up puking everywhere.

So, that’s why I say, I’m having a hard time resting. I do NOT want to be in bed all day tomorrow. And on top of that, I haven’t been able to accomplish anything. Brandon and I are here and I feel that my sickness puts him in such a bad position. It truly makes me feel like a slacker mom. Some days, I literally cannot get out of bed. And he fends for himself. But he shouldn’t too. My mom moved away but she’s still here two-three times a week. My brothers are always checking on me and coming by with the supplements or anything else that I need. So, I’m thankful for that.

But there are certain things that you want to do for yourself. However, I can’t at the moment. I’m truly sick and shut in. I would love to get my nails done and get a pedicure. I would appreciate a nice dress to wear somewhere. I believe that when this over, I’m going to be good.

On top of that, I’ve lost about 15 lbs within these two weeks. And to me, it’s disgusting. Losing weight rapidly is not a good thing to me. Now, I’m walking around with all of this extra skin. I mean, it’s not a lot but it’s a lot. My clothes don’t freaking fit. Overall this is an uncomfortable experience.

So, I made the choice to be more grateful for the things I have been allowed to do that some may take from granted.

For instance today, I was able to get up without vomiting. I cooked breakfast for Brandon. Pancakes, bacon and eggs. His favorite. I was allowed the opportunity to clean the house. (I’m still very weak so it’s not as clean as I’d like it to be but I got an A for effort). I’m grateful that I was able to do a few loads of laundry and actually fold them. Here’s the kicker, I put them away too! I was so proud of myself. I am thankful that I’ve been able to do my skincare routine three times today. I am grateful that I was able to see my mom today. She turned 60 yesterday and I was out of it so we had to see each other today. I am grateful that I’ve been able to get out of bed and take a long bath. The best feeling ever. You have no idea. A bath when you’re weak is such a needed experience. I still haven’t eaten because I’m afraid to start this flare again. Prayerfully, I will be able to keep something down on tomorrow.

That’s another thing, we take so many things for granted. The simple things like getting up and cooking breakfast for my son meant the world to me today. But, I think and somewhere in the world, some mother is unable to do that. For whatever reason. I’ve been sick but I’ve been blessed with medications to help me. Somewhere else in the world, someone is suffering with no relief. And my heart goes out to that person. It sucks and I wish there was something that I could do to help them. There are people with no support system and I have a great one. I have taken that for granted before but I am now making the conscious decision to be grateful.

Let me try to go to bed. I have set the intentions for a good day tomorrow. Hopefully it’ll happen.

Goodnight.

K.B

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