This is how long it’s been since my baby has been gone. By far, this has been the hardest one for me. Reality has set in and I know that no matter how much I cry, how I beg God, how sick I get, my body aching from missing her so much, that she isn’t coming back. And that’s eating me up inside.
I’m not going to say too much this time because there are no words to express the pain I’m in.
I miss you Chance. I wonder how you’d be. If you’d still be the singer. If you’d still love Beyoncé. Maybe you’d like the same cartoons that Da’sia and Krys like. Would you and Brandon be like Dylan and Da? I saw them last week playing and I thought about you and Brandon. I’m sure you and Mommy would be getting your nails done every two weeks. Daddy would probably have you fishing by now. Memo would still be wrapped around your finger. And Darrick would have you singing, dancing and probably playing golf. I’m sure you’d still be around Erika and Shamari would be crazy about you. And with Granny every time school is out. There were so many plans for you.
Well I’m getting emotional again so I’m going to end this. Here is the blog from 2013. Please share it. I don’t want another family to go through this.
Hopefully I can make it through another year….
On this day last year, my life changed forever. Actually, my life changed on April 3,2012 at 7:15 pm. Literally, my life changed within a matter of minutes.
April 3, 2012 started off like a regular day for us. Brandon, Chance and I got up and got ready for school and work. But for some reason on that morning, she was really quiet. Normally she would be running around the apartment and not letting me comb her hair but on this morning, she was chillin. I asked her what was wrong and she said “Nothing…”She wanted to wear her favorite outfit. It was something I bought for her birthday. A purple peplum shirt with black and white stripped pants. And she had on her YELLOW flip flops that she insisted on wearing. I told her they didn’t match but as usual she did what she wanted Well, we dropped Brandon off at school and I was taking her to daycare. Normally, we would be singing and laughing but on this morning she was just looking out of the window. I call my Mom every morning and Chance would talk to her but again on this morning Chance didn’t want to talk. So I dropped her off and I went to work.
While I was at work, I was on edge all day. Literally. Everything anyone said or did ticked me off!! I didn’t know what was going on. Well that day for some reason I felt that I needed to make amends with someone. And I did. I hadn’t talked to this person in about a year and a half. So that made me feel like I was making progress. My friend Erica and I planned to eat dinner at her house after work so I went to pick the kids up. When I got there, as usual, her hair looked like I never did anything to it. Lol. She ran up to me and hugged me like she did everyday and Brandon moseyed on to the car. This time on the way home she was singing and dancing like her normal self.
When we got home it was around 5:15. So I made the last minute decision to stay home and cook dinner. While I was cooking she was playing with Brandon and they were watching Netflix off and on. When I was done we sat down and ate. And she was super greedy but this night she ate everything on her plate. I said, “Were you hungry Chance?” and she just looked up and smiled at me. Brandon was picking at his food and I knew that he would want something else later. So I went to my room and I decided to wash my sheets because she slept with me that night and she had an accident in the bed and I knew that she wouldn’t sleep on them again unless they were clean.
After I put the sheets in the washer I went to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom they went into Brandon’s room to watch TV. Well she was running in and out of my room. And I would say, “Chance get out of here” and she would laugh and run away. When she ran out the last time, I hid by my dresser knowing that she would come back in and I was right. She came back in and I said, “what are you doing Chance?” we were both laughing and she said, “I love you Mama’. I said, ” I love you too Chance”. I went back into the bathroom.
Three minutes later, Brandon runs into my room crying. I said, “What’s wrong Brandon?” He says, “The TV fell!!!” I’m thinking to myself, “Ok, why is he crying because the TV fell?” But I look in his face and I know something isn’t right. I run in there and I see something that will haunt me forever. I see my Chance underneath the dresser and she’s unconscious. I don’t know where my strength came from but I picked that dresser up and threw it and picked up my baby. I scream her name and she doesn’t respond to me. I run out of my apartment holding her screaming for help. The neighborhood kids come and they see me holding her and they start crying. I call 911. I’m still screaming and my neighbor Robin comes downstairs and calls my mom and tells her that she needs to get to Little Rock. The paramedics came and they couldn’t get her to respond. She starts vomiting because she’d just eaten. Still they couldn’t get her to respond. So they call Arkansas Children’s hospital and they airlift her. I couldn’t ride with her so Robin and her Fiance drive me to Little Rock. While on the road, my Aunt Carolyn calls me and tells me that everything will be fine and that nothing can get Chance down. Honestly, I didn’t believe her. Not for one minute. I’m crying and blaming myself the entire time. So when I get to the hospital, she hasn’t made it there. But my cousins have. I’m shaking and wondering what is going on. Then a Dr. comes in and tells me that, Chance has arrived but that it doesn’t look good. I jump up and I say, “What the hell do you mean it doesn’t look good? That’s my baby! What are you saying?” He says that her lung was collapsed and that she has severe head trauma. I told him that the dresser didn’t hit her head, that it was on her chest. He then asks what was on the dresser. I said, the TV was. Then I remember that the TV was on the other side of her when I got in the room. He said, “well the TV must’ve hit her…” My parents and brothers got there in record time and when they got there my Mom asked what was going on. I told her that they said it didn’t look good. She was in a daze and she like me, was saying, “what do mean?”…. By this time more of my family makes it and they give us a big conference room to accommodate everyone. About an hour later the Dr’s come in and tell us that it doesn’t look good and that the damage was too severe. I know that they were supposed to say that. They don’t give us any hope at all. We’re finally able to see her and when we do, oh my God, she looks nothing like herself. She’s swollen and still unconscious. I break down and cry. My mom is crying because this is not our baby. This is not the same baby that was singing and playing with me. I don’t stay in the room long because I couldn’t take seeing her like that. My Uncle Milton goes in the room and see’s her and he says, “She’ll be fine. She’ll be just fine…” I go into a room and I start saying, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…” That’s all I can say. The doctors tell us that we need to make some decisions. My Daddy says that we’re going to let God heal her. So the Dr’s say that at Midnight they will run more tests and they’ll check and see if she has any activity in her brain. Well Midnight comes around and they say they did a test and they detected some activity. So at 6 am they would do a scan on her to see if she’s getting better. Well that time comes and passes and they can’t do it. She has a stroke overnight. They say she’s stabilized and that at 10 am they will test again. This is by far the longest day of my life. Well she doesn’t get better and so they come in and tell us that we need to start making decisions. They say that she will never be the same. So I made the hardest decision that I’m sure I’ll ever have to make. I made the decision to remove her from the life support. I went in her room and I held her for the last time. I sang “Love on Top” to her. I remember singing, ” Chance it’s you. You’re the one I love, you’re the one I need, you’re the only one I see. You’re the one that gives your all. You’re the one I’ll always call. When I need you, you make everything stop…You put my love on top…” While I’m holding her, she feels so heavy. And it seems like she grew overnight.
Everyone takes their turns holding her and at 4:44 pm on April 4, 2012, Sydney Chance Bowles, my baby girl, went to heaven. I’ve never experienced pain and heartache like that. I could not believe that I would be leaving the hospital without her. But I know that she’s better off but I’ll always wish that she was with me.
This year has been extremely hard. But I made it through. I never thought that I would. I didn’t think I would be able to live without her. And there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. I remember the good times because those are the only times we had. There were never bad days with Chance. She was a character. She’s the funniest child I’ve ever met. The prettiest little girl I’ll ever see.
I told this story to let you all know that life is not promised. I never realized how true that was until this happened. You won’t understand until something happens to you. It ticks me off when people know my story and they still act like what happened to us won’t happen to them. You’re not exempt. We weren’t.
God makes no mistakes and everything that we go through is for a purpose. Even when we don’t know the reasons. I think about the story of Joseph. He was sold by his brothers into slavery. He was accused of rape. He was put in prison. But through it all, it was for a reason. His brothers thought that they were hurting him but God. God allowed it all to happen and in the end Joseph was the one that helped his brothers. When they finally saw Joseph years after selling him, they were afraid. But Joseph told them, don’t be afraid. God allowed this to happen so I could help you all! He kept them from starving during the famine. His brothers meant it for bad but God knew that it was for their good.
Now I’m not comparing Chance to Joseph but since this has happened, she has saved lives. A lot of people never really thought about the dangers of falling furniture. But because God allowed it to happen to us, we’ve been able to open up the eyes of others. Now do I think it could’ve been done with her still being here, yes. But does God know best, yes! My baby doesn’t have to suffer. She doesn’t have to live in this crazy world. She’s able to sing and dance in Heaven. What more could I ask for? Do I miss her? Yes. But I know that she wouldn’t come back. I wouldn’t want her to. I always wanted her to be happy and now I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is….
I want to thank my Family. You all have really stepped up for me during this year. My parents and my brothers, you stepped in for Brandon and I when I stepped out. When I wasn’t able to take care of Brandon, You all did. I love you all more than you will ever know. My Aunt Lynn, Shun, Leslie and Erika, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you all. I love all of yall and those babies!!! My Aunt Carolyn…I love you and I know you’ve been going through but I thank God for you everyday! My Aunt Shirley, I know you weren’t around Chance much but I thank you and your daughters for everything you’ve done for us! I love you all. My Uncles Sonny, Rickey and Ronnie and your wives, yall are the quiet ones but after Chance passed you came in, took over and you’ve been doing for me every since. I can never question the love yall have for me and I love you all! All 100 of my cousins. Yall have been here for me and I know yall love me just like I love yall. I wish everyone had the kind of family that I have. My cousins Bri and Arielle, there’s not a day that goes by that one of you doesn’t check on me. And if I need you, you’re always there. Even if it’s just for laughs. I love you all too. My friends, Keshia and Erica, yall have only been in my life for a year but I feel like I’ve known yall forever. I was blessed when you came into my life and I will never trade the true friendship that I have with you. I love yall squanches too. Barney, you stepped in and you’ve been there for me from day one. There’s nothing that you haven’t and wouldn’t do for us. I wouldn’t trade you for ANYTHING!!! And I’m glad that we’re friends. You mean the world to me! Tassha, girl, you are the best. You’ve done so much and you’ve always been there. I love you Chick. My HP family, even though I’m not there, I feel and felt the love that you all have and I’m thankful for you all too. True Holiness…I love yall. Enough said! Ms Jeannie and Ms Deborah, I love yall for what you did for Chance and Brandon. If I could put you in every daycare in the world I would. Twin, I love you and I couldn’t have picked a better Godmother for Chance. You treated her like she was yours, since day one!!! I love you much. SafeKids Worldwide, thank you for allowing us to tell our story and for making Chance face of that division. I know this was all God’s doing. My Earle Class of 99, I grew up with yall and when tragedy struck my life, I realized the how much yall love me and how much I love yall. I’m so thankful for yall. Macho, I love you. Enough said. God is really working in your life and you’re going to be a testimony soon!!
If I forgot anyone, charge it to my head and not my heart. I thank everyone for everything and I appreciate the love and support you’ve shown and given my family during this difficult year.