Today has been an emotionally draining day for me. I keep forgetting that this process they call grieving is hard. It’s kind of like being bipolar. You never know what mood you’re going to be in. I try hard to be strong but some days, I have to just let go. Those are the days I hate because Sydney Chance was strong ALL the time and I want to be the same way.
It’s crazy and I don’t know what I was thinking, but for maybe the past week, I’ve been doing really good. I haven’t cried and when I think about her, I remember our good times. The fun we all had. I felt this coming yesterday. But I tried to rebuke it. Because one bad day seems to take away all of the progress that I feel I’ve made.
I guess because it’s coming up on a full year that she’s been gone, I’m remembering the things that we were doing this time last year. We were preparing to move from North Little Rock to Conway. And on this night last year, we were out shopping for their bedrooms. Brandon picked out Super Mario Bro’s everything. And Chance went against what she normally liked and wanted Dora the Explorer everything. My cousin Erika and I were trying to talk her out of it because she is a Princess and the Frog kind of girl. But she wasn’t trying to hear us so I gave up the fight and let her have what she wanted. I’m glad that I did now. It was her room so she was able to decorate it with any and everything she wanted. She never kept it clean though…go figure.
Brandon has really been talking about her a lot lately. I think it’s becoming real to him that she’s really not coming back to us. It took me a while to realize that myself. He’s seven and he’s never really experienced death until Chance. He said today that he misses her so much. How he saw her in his room under the dresser and he never saw her again. We didn’t let him see her at the memorial and he wasn’t allowed in the PICU at the hospital. He didn’t get any closure. His best friend left him and now it’s becoming real to him. It’s hard trying to explain to him. He doesn’t understand. So that’s why we have him in counseling now. Prayerfully he’ll be fine. He’ll never forget her but I don’t want him to be afraid of death either. Because like I tell him, “Heaven is a beautiful place and Chance is extremely happy, she’s happier than we’ll ever be here on earth!” I know that once he truly understands how great heaven is, he’ll be fine.
My family has a lot going on right now on top of us missing Chance. What I can honestly say is that, we’ll overcome all of the obstacles that Satan is trying to throw our way. This is a test and hopefully we as a family will pass it. Like I said in one of my FaceBook status’. God allows pain in our lives for three reasons. 1.Pain teaches us how to handle our blessings humbly. 2. It teaches us how to submit to Gods will. 3. Pain and problems teach us how to rely on God. During the past 10 months, I know what this means. I can’t do anything except rely on him. If I didn’t, if I would have given up like I wanted to, I’d be a complete mess. But God. He didn’t want me to go through this on my own. Why should I have to?
What I’m going through now reminds me of the song, “What a friend we have in Jesus…” I’ve heard that song plenty of times. But it wasn’t until recently that I could understand what the song actually meant. Breakdown: What a friend we have in Jesus(he’s the best friend to have) all our sins and grief’s to bear!(he died for us so that he can take on this pain) What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer(it’s so amazing that we can take everything to him and he’ll take care of it) Oh what peace we often forfeit, what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer(why are we giving up peace of mind and hanging on to pain from work, relationships, unnecessary things when we can just take it all to Him when we pray and leave it there!) We can’t control how we feel about things, but we can control who we let deal with it. God can handle it. And even if He doesn’t change the way the situation is we know that He could if He wanted to! His will is always just and perfect. We call have a purpose and it will be fulfilled.
Depending on ourselves produces results in our own abilities but when you make the decision to depend on God, your Father, you are able to accomplish more than you ever dreamed of. He has you covered. But you have to give up everything in order to gain EVERYTHING!! It will be the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
You know, lots of people buy life insurance. But when you die, your family will get money, you get nothing. They’ll be able to buy a new house and a new car but you get nothing. So instead of getting life insurance, you need life ASSURANCE!!! Just so you can be assured that you will spend you next life in your new mansion, with your friends and loved ones. So you can be with God, the creator, The Son who died for you!! It’s free. He’s waiting on you to come to Him. You don’t have to be perfect. He knows what you weaknesses and sins are. Ask for forgiveness and repent. Renew your spirits daily. Get rid of things and people that are hindering you. God will bless you with the desires of your heart. That’s a promise from Him!!
Whew, I didn’t mean to go there but it’s what I was lead to do. I actually feel better. My God, He knows what you need.