Scared of beautiful

I am probably one of the only women you’ll ever meet that will openly say that I have really severe insecurities.

If you talk to me one on one outside of my immediate family or my relationship, you’d never know. I’m the first one to make you laugh. I deflect any attention away from myself. I don’t like the spotlight. I’d rather listen to your problems and give you advice instead of dealing with mine. Honestly, truly, if I tell you ANYTHING about me, know that I’ve exhausted every resource I had and I have to talk to someone to drown the voices that are trying to take me under and that if I’m talking to you I’ve tried everything to not bring you into my business. I think I’ve talked to people about my problems more in the past six months than I’ve done in my 38 years on this earth.

I hate when attention is on me.

I know that’s hard to believe. Especially since I’ve been somewhat in the spotlight since Chance passed away. Trust me, my anxiety overwhelms me every time I have to do something. And I go back and forth for a while before I commit to something. Know that I’ve been talked into it and that most of the time I made the decision at the very last minute.

I struggle with seeing myself the way other people see me. At work the other day, I was talking to a coworker about my relationship issues and he stopped me and said, “Keisha, I noticed something about you. You never talk about yourself. Do you know how valuable you are?” And that made me think. No, I don’t know how valuable I am. I don’t see the beauty in myself that other people see. I don’t what it is about my personality draws in people.

But I know that my insecurities push away the ones I want to keep close.

I’m going to list a few of my insecurities. Maybe some of these will resonate with somebody else. My goal is for us all to heal so we can get the love and lives we deserve.

I worry that people judge me….

I’m scared that people will leave me. Being abandoned is a huge fear of mine….

I worry that people think I’m dumb…

I’m terrified that my insecurities and demons will be used against me….

I worry that my looks and weight are a turn off to people…

I worry that any guy I date will leave me for someone that looks better or has more money than me….

These are just a few. When I say they are endless…they’re endless.

I don’t accept these things about myself so I automatically assume that nobody else will. Like, why would a man pick me when I have all of this crap running through my mind on a minute by minute basis? Why would my family members or friends want to be around me when I’m constantly downing myself and bringing them down?

I overthink so I isolate myself.

But, insecurities can and will end relationships. When you’re with or around a person that’s insecure, small things escalate to huge ordeals. In my case, I can only hide my negative thoughts for so long. I’ve tried so hard tuck them away but I can’t fight the voice in my head EVERY TIME its nagging me. Eventually, I’ll randomly ask, “so you miss your ex huh?” Or “are you hiding me from people? “So, um, you’re ashamed to be with me?” To my family and friends “I’m sorry for talking about Chance. I’m not trying to be a victim”.

I know it’s extremely annoying.

Let me tell you, this has driven so many potentially good people out of my life.

But, there’s always a but, this doesn’t have to be the case forever. I’m a firm believer that you can’t heal what you don’t speak.

Where did the insecurities come from? I have no clue. Well, I know, but right now that’s between me, God and a therapist. I’ve always been smart. I’ve always had a good personality. People have always wanted to be around me. I’ve always had people tell me that I’m pretty or beautiful. So, why do I have such a hard time seeing that for myself?

With everything in life, you have to figure out what your triggers are. You have to find out why you feel that way about yourself. Did a parent leave? Were you bullied as a child? Were you considered “pretty for a dark-skinned girl”? Did you witness indefinitely? Were you abused? Were you made to feel less than good enough? Those are some of the questions that you should ask yourself. Insecurities are most of the time rooted so deep down inside that digging them up seems impossible.

But to heal, you have to start digging. As ugly as the roots are, they have to be pulled up. I’ve been exposing so many things in my life that I buried a long ago. Today, I cried for hours as I was writing and remembering things that I’d suppressed that nobody really knows about. Luckily, my load feels lighter.

For the past two months, I’ve been reflecting. I’ve been thinking. I’ve been realizing hard truths. I can honestly say that this has been the ugliest process I’ve gone through. It ain’t fun when you ain’t got the gun.

I was told that I needed to focus on bettering myself. That I needed to focus on me. When I was told this, I immediately went into defense mode. Again, my insecurities kicked in and I felt that as usual, there was something wrong with me. I felt that excuses were being made to end a relationship. And it could have been. But, I now know that it’s something I have to do. For myself.

I’m going to give you some tips that SOMETIMES help me. I still struggle daily. Some days are indeed worse than others. Some days all of this goes out the window.

1. Know your worth. How can you expect someone else to see your beauty if you don’t? Stop dimming you’re light because you’re afraid to shine. When your light is dulled, the people you were sent to help can’t find you.

2. Face your fears. Figure out why you think that everybody is going to abandon you? Know that if a man/woman cheats or leaves you that it’s their loss and not yours. I’m realizing that there is no other Keisha in the world like me. I’m not replaceable. You’re not replaceable. If someone leaves, they were never going to stay. Period

3. Slow down and check yourself. Basically, get out of your head. When you start having a negative thought, redirect it. However, sometimes it’s beneficial to slow down and allow yourself to really think about it. If talking to someone brings about a negative thought, think about why it triggered you. Once you identify the triggers, you can defeat them when they try to ruin your day.

4. Find people that you’re comfortable talking to. Like I said earlier, I’ve never been one to expose myself. But in the past few months, I’ve opened up to people that I know love me and won’t judge me. For the first time in a long time, I called my brothers and actually cried and talked about problems. I’ve told my mom so many things that I’ve never been able to tell. I have at least 5 people I can text right now and they’ll let me cry and vent and give me advice that normally I wouldn’t be able to receive. Get a village for yourself. You’d be surprised how listening to other people can help you.

5. Take care of yourself. Keep your hair done. Or get haircuts often. Get a facial or manicure. Do your makeup everyday. Dress up. Even if you’re just running to the grocery store. Take long showers or baths. Exercise. Eat healthily. I’m convinced that once you start taking care of yourself that slowly you’ll start to feel better.

6. Trust yourself. Trust that no matter what happens in life, you will be ok. You will live to see a better life. You will be strong. You will get through whatever comes your way. You will get what you’re supposed to have. And whatever you don’t receive, it wasn’t meant for you. You won’t trust anyone until you trust yourself.

7. Love yourself. Be kind and patient with you. The insecurities you have didn’t develop  overnight and unfortunately they won’t go away overnight. Actively work on correcting them. Every day do something that makes you better. Remember, nobody will love you more than you love yourself. Growth isn’t always comfortable. You’ll grow weary running from the truth. Just imagine how great we’re going to be when our insecurities are no longer an issue.

8. Know that God is always there. This should have been number one. But, know that you are never alone, not even in those moments of intense pain and darkness when you feel as though the whole world has turned its back on you. God is always there. And He wants you to turn to Him. In the worst times, when I thought I was all alone, God always showed me that He was there. Remember that God will never let what you’ve lost be the best you’ll ever have.

I didn’t plan on this being so lengthy but I also haven’t written a full post in over a year. Depression is real. And I feel so much better. I know that whatever I’m going through now will only make me better. But it starts with me. And your healing starts with you.

We’ve got this….

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