Well, I made it another year. And I can with all honesty say that this, my previous age (a lady never tells 😜) was in top two of one of the worst years of my life. With Chance leaving being number one. The past seven months….my Lord!!! When I tell you that I should have been outta here, the devil tried. He probably doesn’t like me right now but Satan, I can say the same thing. Because no weapon formed against me will ever amount to anything. Believe that!!
Let me be transparent and open. I hardly ever as honest as I’m getting ready to be. Sorry, Mom….I’ve learned that every situation that we go through isn’t always for us but sometimes they’re for others. Well I hope what I say will help and bless someone. I give God ALL the glory.
So around July of 2014 until now, I’ve encounterd the worse stage of grief and despair that I’ve had since my baby has been gone. Literally. It all started when I started to have dreams about her. And in the dreams, she didn’t know who I was. She wouldn’t come to me. She was actually afraid of me. For a parent that lost their child, for them to be afraid and for them to not know who you are, it hurts like hell. Well as I was driving to work, I started to have a anxiety/panic attacks. I had to pull over and go back home. I was afraid for my safety. This went on for the remaining of August.
September came and I was busy. I had to go to Washington, DC to do a focus group for Nationwide Insurance and the Super Bowl commercial that was scheduled to air. I also shot a video for Safe Kids Worldwide telling our story. That’s when the problems started. I went to my doctor and I was taken off from work until November because of issues in was having with the death of my daughter. I lost a ton of weight( I wasn’t trying). I was going through a hard spell in my relationship. I was just unhappy. And frankly, I was ready to check out of here. Literally. But I didn’t want my Mom and Dad. Darrick and Zrano Jr and definitely not my baby Brandon to deal with me leaving them in that manner. But I was at the end of my rope. Chance’s 5th birthday came around and even though my family made it the best day they could, I was still empty inside.
October, still depressed.
November 1st, my brother got married and while that was a happy day, it was bittersweet. Chance wasn’t there. They honored her beautifully though. I went back to work and it was a definite struggle. Shout out to Sedgwick CMS for being so understanding to my situation.
December, Christmas was hard but again, my family did what they could to make it better. Still missed my baby. I worked intermittently because honestly, I couldn’t get out of bed most days.
January – can’t remember anything from it.
February -things started to go down hill again. I didn’t want to be here. I just felt like no one was with me . It’s a bad feeling when you’re in a house filled with people and you feel alone. So back to the Dr I go. Again…and at this point, my family is scared for me. They’re on eggshells because they don’t know my mindframe. I shut down mentally. And my body was shutting down phyiscallly.
March- I got a terrible virus that has taken me through it. And now, I’m off from work again. I don’t know how long because they’re are issues that I’m dealing with that have to be resolved. So here I am today. On my birthday. Letting you all know that I am not perfect. I’m far from it. But I’ve made a vow to get my life back on track. Let me say this. Depression is real. It happens to every race. Every gender. It can happen at any age. So just because you see me smiling, I’m not always happy. But I know that my God is using me. He’s preparing me for the next chapter in my life.
But God, You are awesome. Amazing. An amazing God didn’t give up when all lost hope
An awesome love took the fall for all my sin. Incredible You are; Alpha and Omega. I defintely shouldn’t have made it this far. But You thought of me and gave Your all. You are awesome. Amazing. You are incredible. Hallelujah! What’s the highest praise?!? Thank you Jesus! King of Kings I lift up my hands,Jesus..Thank you Jesus! And I give You glory!! Hallelujah! Omnipotent God! The great I am! Jehovah Rapha! Hallelujah! You’re my healer! Hallelujah! You’re my Savior!!!! My God!!! What a friend we have in Jesus….
Well I’m claiming that this new chapter will bring the peace, stability and growth that I need. I pray that I’m able to continue being a blessing to everyone!!! Thanks for all of the birthday wishes that I’ve gotten so far. It means alot!!
Also, happy birthday to my Twin, Esther Lynn Black-Peterson!! We were born the same day, at the same hospital, hours apart!!! Love you Twin. Hope your day is blessed to the fullest. I’m sure I will get my birthday present in August!!!!
Be blessed. Happy Birthday to me…😍😘😚
I was given another day and another Chance….Won’t He do it…🙌🙌🙌