Note to self..

My last few months have been so crazy. Like, crazy crazy. The past two months going on three, heart numbing. Since Wednesday, off the chain. Today… Wow!!

Be careful who you put your trust in. Not everyone has your best interest at heart. Some people will use you until you feel that you have nothing left to give anyone else. Those people are selfish. They don’t deserve your love. And people that are selfish will be humbled. Facts only!

Be mindful of words. They mean nothing without action. A person can tell you 1000 times that they’ll change. Or that they will fix their wrongs. That they’re committed to making things better. It sounds good but let their actions speak for them. Don’t fall for the charm. You’ll be hurt everytime.

Be cautious of who you entertain. The devil comes to kill, steal and destroy. He knows exactly what you like. And if you’re trying to live in your purpose, he’ll use what you like to distract you. Every time. Self explanatory.

Pray about everything. God oftentimes gives you directions. We tend to want to go our own way. Follow the path He has laid out for you. When you try to do things your own way, you’ll keep going in circles until you get tired. Facts only! Until you learn the lesson He’s trying to teach, you’ll keep failing the same class.

Forgive those who hurt you. God forgives us on a daily basis. And when you truly forgive, you’re only helping yourself. The person who has wronged you is going on with their lives while you’re bitter. Don’t be bitter. Forgive and keep it moving.

Lastly, forgive yourself. A lot of times, we’re harder on ourselves. Don’t be. You’ll make mistakes with picking careers, relationships, friends, decisions. Learn the lessons and move forward.

God will sometimes make you uncomfortable when He’s trying to bless you.

Remember what you deserve and don’t let bad experiences keep you down. You’re better than what’s happened to you.

Dear Chance…

You have no idea how much my heart aches from missing you. My life has a void that I know will never be filled. You’re gone. My life is incomplete. I will never be the same.

It’s been three years since I’ve gotten one of your sloppy, juicy kisses. One of your hugs. Heard you sing a Beyonce song (I know we would have danced to 7/11).Three years since I’ve seen you dance to anything that had a beat. I haven’t been kicked in the face by you when you came and got in bed with me around this time of night. Three years since I’ve went to Popeyes and bought you a two piece dinner with the Cajun fries. I miss hearing you say,  “Mama..” and “Bannon”. Three years since I’ve had to make you stop being mean to my other baby Brandon.

Life is definitely not the same. Everyday,  Brandon and I bring up your name in conversation. You’re never far away from our thoughts. Our future….what is that? It’s hard to plan since you’re not here. I feel guilty about doing new things because I can’t experience them with you. Everything is so bittersweet.

I wonder what you would be like now. You’d be 5 years old. Going to the first grade. Did you know that you have your own kindergarten diploma?
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I wonder how many friends you would have? How would you have liked your teacher? Would you be riding your bike yet? Would you still be a mini fashionista? Would you be excelling in the gymnastic and dance classes I planned on putting you in? Would you know how to swim yet? And would we have problems because your mouth would be smart and sassy like mine? Probably…

But I know that where you are, those things I wonder don’t matter. You’re doing so much better than you ever would here. You wouldn’t want to come back here. In a way, I wouldn’t want you too. You’re with Jesus. You won the race. I’m still running. I’m trying to make it there. The way this world is right now, I’d worry about you. People are so cold and uncaring. I wouldn’t want you to experience this. I’m glad you’ll never experience heartbreak. Being lied to. Turned against. Mistreated. Misused. Taken for granted. That would hurt me. God knows…

I miss you everyday. Through your leaving me, I’ve learned my purpose. I’m carrying on your legacy baby girl. I’m “helping the babies” like you’re doing. I’m helping their mothers. I’m fighting for you while missing you. These tears I’m crying are not all tears of sadness. I’m proud to be your Mom.

I’ll see you again. We’ll be together again.

Love you,

Mama

P.S. I’m almost there…

Help Me Believe

For the past few months things in my life haven’t been all that great . Actually,  they’ve been very discouraging. It’s so hard to see the silver lining at the end of the tunnel sometimes. But if you know who God is you know that bad things come and they will work out for your good. You just have have faith and believe. Alot of times, it’s hard to believe in something you can’t see. It’s hard to see that your family member will get well. That your car problems will disappear. That your last reprimand at work can be taken away. That your relationship will go back to normal. That you losing a person close to you to death. That your grief will go away. That the depression will go away. That your anxiety will be a thing of the past. That you can trust people without fear of being hurt. Etc..there are a lot of things that we want to believe will change but we don’t really believe they will. We don’t know how to believe. I’m guilty of it too.

Everything we go through is for a reason. Everything works for your good. Still, I know it’s hard to believe that.  So I just want to encourage you and myself. We have to believe that things will be fine. We may not see it but God is working.

This song came out in 2007. I never heard it until tonight when I felt that I was at my absolute lowest. It blessed me. I feel alot better.

I just wanna write You a letter
So if You can hear me, can You give me a sign
Cause I don’t feel You like I should, please if You could

My faith is almost gone
I can’t hold on much longer
Take this cup from me

I wanna believe, if I never hear I’m sorry
I can let it go, gotta let You go
Cause its killing me, Jesus You know how it feels
Cause You’ve been hurt before, don’t wanna hurt no more

I’m trying to hear You speak
But my heart is growing weaker
Take this cup from me

Help me believe, can I believe
Let me believe, I wanna believe
I’ve been here before
And can’t take that hurt again

Its hard to believe in what I can’t see
To give You my will ’cause You’re whats better for me
You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe
Believe, believe

I wanna believe, when I close my eyes on this side
I’ll wake up with You, more in love with You
And, and finally You will say my race
It is over and my work is through cause I believed in You

I know dark nights will come
And some days there’ll be no sunshine
And You’re too far to see

Help me believe, can I believe
Let me believe, I wanna believe
I’m no good on my own
Please give me another chance

Its hard to believe in what I can’t see
To give You my will cause You’re whats better for me
You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe…

He was us to trust and believe in Him. Even when we don’t see a way out. The road is already paved. Things won’t always be easy but they’ll always be worth it.

Just believe…He will help you.

1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be blessed

Keisha

Happy Birthday to me…😄

Well, I made it another year. And I can with all honesty say that this, my previous age (a lady never tells 😜) was in top two of one of the worst years of my life. With Chance leaving being number one. The past seven months….my Lord!!! When I tell you that I should have been outta here, the devil tried. He probably doesn’t like me right now but Satan, I can say the same thing. Because no weapon formed against me will ever amount to anything. Believe that!!

Let me be transparent and open. I hardly ever as honest as I’m getting ready to be. Sorry, Mom….I’ve learned that every situation that we go through isn’t always for us but sometimes they’re for others. Well I hope what I say will help and bless someone. I give God ALL the glory.

So around July of 2014 until now, I’ve encounterd the worse stage of grief and despair that I’ve had since my baby has been gone. Literally. It all started when I started to have dreams about her. And in the dreams, she didn’t know who I was. She wouldn’t come to me. She was actually  afraid of me. For a parent that lost their child, for them to be afraid and for them to not know who you are, it hurts like hell. Well as I was driving to work, I started to have a anxiety/panic attacks. I had to pull over and go back home. I was afraid for my safety.  This went on for the remaining of August.

September came and I was busy. I had to go to Washington, DC to do a focus group for Nationwide Insurance and the Super Bowl commercial that was scheduled to air. I also shot a video for Safe Kids Worldwide telling our story. That’s when the problems started. I went to my doctor and I was taken off from work until November because of issues in was having with the death of my daughter. I lost a ton of weight( I wasn’t trying). I was going through a hard spell in my relationship. I was just unhappy. And frankly, I was ready to check out of here. Literally.  But I didn’t want my Mom and Dad. Darrick and Zrano Jr and definitely not my baby Brandon to deal with me leaving them in that manner. But I was at the end of my rope. Chance’s 5th birthday came around and even though my family made it the best day they could, I was still empty inside.

October, still depressed.

November 1st, my brother got married and while that was a happy day, it was bittersweet.  Chance wasn’t there. They honored her beautifully though. I went back to work and it was a definite struggle. Shout out to Sedgwick CMS for being so understanding to my situation.

December,  Christmas was hard but again, my family did what they could to make it better. Still missed my baby. I worked intermittently because honestly, I couldn’t get out of bed most days.

January – can’t remember anything from it.

February -things started to go down hill again. I didn’t want to be here. I just felt like no one was with me . It’s a bad feeling when you’re in a house filled with people and you feel alone. So back to the Dr I go. Again…and at this point, my family is scared for me. They’re on eggshells because they don’t know my mindframe. I shut down mentally. And my body was shutting down phyiscallly.

March- I got a terrible virus that has taken me through it. And now, I’m off from work again. I don’t know how long because they’re are issues that I’m dealing with that have to be resolved. So here I am today. On my birthday. Letting you all know that I am not perfect. I’m far from it. But I’ve made a vow to get my life back on track. Let me say this. Depression is real. It happens to every race. Every gender. It can happen at any age. So just because you see me smiling, I’m not always happy. But I know that my God is using me. He’s preparing me for the next chapter in my life.

But God, You are awesome. Amazing. An amazing God didn’t give up when all lost hope
An awesome love took the fall for all my sin. Incredible You are; Alpha and Omega. I defintely shouldn’t have made it this far. But You thought of me and gave Your all. You are awesome. Amazing. You are incredible.  Hallelujah! What’s the highest praise?!? Thank you Jesus! King of Kings I lift up my hands,Jesus..Thank you Jesus! And I give You glory!! Hallelujah! Omnipotent God! The great I am! Jehovah Rapha! Hallelujah! You’re my healer! Hallelujah! You’re my Savior!!!! My God!!! What a friend we have in Jesus….

Well I’m claiming that this new chapter will bring the peace, stability and growth that I need. I pray that I’m able to continue being a blessing to everyone!!! Thanks for all of the birthday wishes that I’ve gotten so far. It means alot!!

Also, happy birthday to my Twin, Esther Lynn Black-Peterson!! We were born the same day, at the same hospital, hours apart!!! Love you Twin. Hope your day is blessed to the fullest. I’m sure I will get my birthday present in August!!!!

Be blessed. Happy Birthday to me…😍😘😚

Keisha….

I was given another day and another Chance….Won’t He do it…🙌🙌🙌

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Today was a tough day….

You can always tell I’m going through something when I start popping out with these blogs.  Let me say that not all of my bad days are because of Chance. Don’t get it twisted, I think about her everyday but I do have other things in my life that have to be dealt with.  Situations that arise. A son that has to be taken care of. A destiny I have to fulfill. By the way, I’m still trying to figure my “destiny” out. But I digress….

Anyway, today started out as a great day. I was up on time.  Brandon was dropped off at school on time.  I made it to work on time.  I had my worship music playing.  I just knew that I was going to have a great day.  But that ole Satan had other plans for me. I mean. He turned my entire day around and I’ve been in a funk every since. 

Well most of you that follow me know that I find songs to fit my situations. It’s a talent. Lol Today the song “Stand” by Donnie McClurkin came to mind. And I’ve been just sitting here really listening to the words and I feel my atmosphere shifting. I have problems with feeling guilty. Being heart broken. Feeling rejected. Not feeling good enough. Feeling judged. But this song!! My God!!!  Has changed my night. You know I’m posting the lyrics. Lol

What do you do when you’ve done all you can
And it seems like it’s never enough?
And what do you say
When your friends turn away
And you’re all alone?

Tell me, what do you give? When you’ve given your ALL…
And it seems like you can’t make it through?
Well, you just stand when there’s nothing left to do
You just stand, watch the Lord see you through
Yes, after you’ve done all you can,
You just STAND…

Tell me, how do you handle the guilt of your past?
Tell me, how do you deal with the shame?
And how can you smile while your heart has been broken
And filled with pain?

Tell me what do you give when you’ve given your all?
Seems like you can’t make it through.
Child, you just stand when there’s nothing left to do
You just stand, watch the Lord see you through
Yes, after you’ve done all you can,
You just stand

Stand and be sure
Be not entangled in that bondage again!!
You just stand and endure…
God has a purpose..
Yes, God has a plan!

Tell me what do you do when you’ve done all you can
And it seems like you can’t make it through?
Child, you just stand, you just stand, STAND!

Don’t you dare give up through the storm… STAND
Stand through the rain… STAND
Through the hurt… STAND
Yeah, through the pain… STAND
Don’t you bow, and don’t you bend
Don’t give up, no, don’t give in
Hold on,
Just be still
God will step in
And it won’t be long… STAND
**this is my part**

After you’ve done all you can, after you’ve done all you can
After you’ve gone through the hurt,
After you’ve gone through the pain
After you’ve gone through the storm,
After you’ve gone through the rain
Prayed and cried,
Prayed and cried
Prayed and cried
Prayed and cried, oh my
**this is my part too**
(That’s exactly what I did. I prayed and cried. Cried and prayed.)

After you’ve done all you can you just STAND!!!!

So what the song is saying is to stand through any situation. God definitely has a plan.  That court case. That break up. That foreclosure. Kids acting up. Friends not being supportive. Job seems sketchy. STAND up through it. Everything will be ok. That’s a promise from God. He loves US and everything will be fine!!

Be blessed. Goodnight

Oh,  here’s the song…
Donnie McClurkin (Lyrics) Stand: http://youtu.be/RuMLBhrKHsA

Keisha

Please continue to keep my friend in your prayers. I know that God has him. And I pray for peace for him. So y’all do me a favor and keep my home skillet in your thoughts and hearts.

Well…

It’s literally 12 am.  I just came home from picking up food and Ice from the Huddle House. I’m so full. Lol But not so much from the food. My spirit is FULL!!! The past few weeks God has really been working on me. In a ton of ways.  I decided to cut out a lot of things and focus on God and His goodness.  His faithfulness.

Lately,  I’ve been playing gospel songs from my youth.  Man,  those songs have the best messages.  They’re so heartfelt. They have meaning.  The one I’ve been playing over and over is an oldie but goodie. I’m going to interpret the song in my own words. You’ll see how they effect me… This is Richard Smallwood’s “Center of my Joy”

Jesus, You’re the center of my joy
All that’s good and perfect comes from You
You’re the heart of my contentment
Hope for all I do
Jesus, You’re the center of my joy
(KB’s interpretation- Jesus is everything.  Everything that’s good in your life comes from Him. He will make you content. And He’ll give you hope in everything you do for Him!)

When I’ve lost my direction
You’re the compass for my way
You’re the fire and light
When nights are long and cold
In sadness, You’re my laughter
That shatters all my fears
When I’m all alone, Your hand is there to hold
(KB’s interpretation-when I’ve went my own way. When I tried to do things the way I wanted to,  He always guides me back on the right path. When I’m lonely and depression is overtaking me,  He makes me think of the good things.  When I feel all alone God is always there to hold and comfort me! Whew!  #WontHeDoIt

You are why I find pleasure
In the simple things in life
You’re the music in the meadows and the streams
The voices of the children, my family, and my home
You’re the source and finish of my highest dreams
(KB’s interpretation-Because of how good God is, I don’t need material things.  I take pleasure in the simple things. Walks, being in nature, listening to the wind and birds.  Hearing Brandon talk to me. Watching Chance’s videos. Laying in bed with my Mom.  Laughing with Darrick and Memo. Being spoiled by my Daddy. Enjoying my family! I know that He loves me and has my best interest at heart. What an awesome God!!)

Jesus, You’re the center of my joy
All that’s good and perfect comes from You
You’re the heart of my contentment
Hope for all I do
Jesus, You’re the center of my joy
(KB’s interpretation-He’s everything!!!!)
Jesus, You are the center of my joy!
Jesus, You are everything!
You’re

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