#All2018…

Life really has a warped sense of humor.

Dating in 2018 is rough. Dating when you’re in your 30’s….a hot mess. People don’t know how to date. These days, texting is the new form of communicating. Social media is the way to see each other. Likes on pictures and SnapChat posts mean that someone MAY like you. Nobody wants to commit. Everybody wants to chill and sleep together but you can’t tell anybody that you’re together.

Um, what?

Single people are having a problem finding someone to marry.

Married people are trying to figure out what they’ve gotten themselves into.

Divorcee’s are afraid to try again. They’re afraid of being hurt and they now have a distrust for people.

To sum it up: Relationships are problems. 

The greatest source of pain and joy at the same time is a relationsh(it)ip. Love is happiness and hurt and at the same time, pleasure and pain. Most people I know, can tell you what it feels like to have love and the heartbreak of losing love. We carry memories of that hurt with us all of the time. I can’t even imagine being trapped in a loveless marriage. But that’s another topic for another day.

These days, people have intimacy without commitment. We say to each other, let’s have sex but don’t expect anything else from me. Um, what? Lets kick it and talk all day, but don’t think it’s too deep. We can go on trips with each other but that doesn’t mean we’re exclusive to each other. Again, um, dafuq?

We’ve gotten to a point where we want love but we don’t trust. How can there be love without trust?

So, what I’ve decided to do is focus on “self love”. The key to personal relationships is Interpersonal relationships. Getting along with yourself is more important than getting along with someone else. If you don’t like yourself, you can’t love me. And vice versa. That’s the ugly truth. How can you give love to someone when you can’t give it to yourself? But what you do is, you fall in love with yourself and become the most important person to you  And then, if you give yourself to someone else, you’re giving them something valuable. Why give someone something you don’t even want? Who does that? That’s the source of all problems. If you love yourself, you will protect yourself from being hurt.

The more you love yourself, the safer a person is with you. People (men and women) want to feel safe when they’re in a relationship. At least I do. I don’t like wondering if your intentions with me are pure or if you’re just with me until the next best thing(or you think) comes along. You aint coming back to me fam. #Nope

Nobody should be your sunlight. You shouldn’t feel that if you’re single, you’re in darkness. Booo, to that mess! You’re supposed to be the sun BY YOURSELF. And when you meet someone else, they should be their own sun. When you get together, you make a constellation. So, in case they leave you, you still have your light. You are no longer a parasite to them. When you come into their life, you’ll help them shine better. That’s self love.

While you’re in your singleness, figure out what you want and don’t want in a relationship. And don’t waiver. Don’t settle and don’t accept things you really don’t want to tolerate. Don’t be afraid to tell someone (male or female) what you will and won’t accept. Be firm on it. A real one is going to respect it or tell you that they can’t do it. At that point, you should be happy that. You don’t have to waste your time with that person.

I advise everyone that’s single to embrace this time in your life. I wouldn’t dare say that it’s easy. I know I exhaust my brothers with my relationship/marriage talks. I want marriage. I desire it. But I won’t settle just to say I’m married and just to change my relationship status on Facebook to “married to….”

When I really think about it though, Adam didn’t even know that he was lonely until God decided he needed a helpmate…..

Maybe I’m thinking about this the wrong way….(to be continued……)

What are some of the struggles you’re having dating #All2018? (I hate that hashtag, btw). What can we do to change the way we view relationships and marriage? Sound off in the comments.

I want a man. But…..

I’ve been seeing this meme on social media for a while. I’ve even shared it a few times because it’s so funny to me. Lately though, it’s been really on resonating in me. I’m realizing how true this is in most situations. Especially with women. Here it is.

How funny is that? Hilarious! But let’s be transparent and honest with each other. We’ve all done this at some point. We sit and home, vent to our friends and family via phone/texts telling them about how we want to settle down and get married. How we want someone to take us out and love us. Buy us small “just thinking of you” gifts. Random calls and texts during the day. Surprise dates at night. Weekend getaways. A companion to sit at home and watch television with.  Someone who’s a great role model for your children. And someone who makes you want to play out Destiny’s Child “Cater 2 You” song.  We want to be singing the song and catering to somebody the way they said.

Let me help you, take off your shoes. Untie your shoestrings. Take off your cufflinks. What you wanna eat boo? Let me feed you. Let me run your bath water. Whatever you desire, I’ll supply you. Sing you a song. Turn the game on” I’ll brush your hair. Help you put your do rag on. “

Chile, this is what we want. But do we really want that?

Let me speak for myself though. I have guys that want to date me. But here I go again. I want a man. Here he comes. Then I’m like, naw bruh, not you! I then complain to people(mainly my brothers) about how nobody approaches me. Next, I take it to the spiritual side. God is sending somebody special for me. That’s why I’m single.

This meme is also funny to me. Sometimes I feel like when I’m talking to God that he’s giving me that face. Like, “Girl Bye!” He’s like, I’ve sent you plenty of men but YOU didn’t like them. One was not ambitious enough. Another one was too busy. One was stuck in his comfort zone. One wore ran over of Timberland’s. Ugh, you’re so petty KB. But honestly, God has sent most of us good mates. But we turned them down because they weren’t packaged the way we wanted them to be. Disclaimer: I’m not telling anyone to settle for just anybody just to say you have a man or woman. But lets stop looking at those things that seem trivial.

Get out of your comfort zone !!!!!!!!!!!

What I suggest to each of us single women and men is to write down exactly what you’re looking for. What are your deal breakers? What do you must have?

I’ll start with some things on my list to give you an idea.

He has to be a man of God. God must come first in his life. But let me say this, just because I want a man of God, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want him to be super fine, with a little bit of swag and a tiny drop of hood. I mean, it’s only right. Lol

He needs to be financially stable. I’m not saying that he should be golfing with Bill Gates every Tuesday but I wouldn’t want to worry finances. He must be able to manage finances.

If he has children, he has to be a great father to them.

He has to be intelligent, so that we can have great engaging conversations.

Now, here comes the shallow part. What does Mr. Right look like to me? I don’t really have a type. If we vibe and have a good connection, how you look doesn’t matter that much. Now, let’s be clear, he has to be handsome to me. Not saying that he has to be Idris Elba fine. But he can’t look like a oompa loompa.

Got it? Good.

I advise every one to make this list. These are not all of my must haves. I was giving you an example.

But what about you? Underneath that tough, raw, honest, blunt exterior of yours. What do you want? Most of you are loving and caring people. Are you going to keep all of that for yourself? I know some of us think that we are strong, independent black women who don’t need a man. But what about some man out there that needs you?-His potential helpmate. Loving strong Keisha, who won’t pull any punches, will always tell the truth, but will love him so much, he’ll believe he  can take over the world. Think of what we could be depriving our potential mates of. Just because we’re scared to think outside of the box or because we’re afraid of being hurt again.

But before we start dating people again, let’s make sure that we’re working on our hearts. For me, I have to work through my grief and some fears I have. Some may have to work on forgiveness, bitterness and man hatred. Let us forget about those that hurt us and didn’t have our best interest at heart. We have to forgive them for us. Not for them. So many of us are holding on to things that are keeping us in bondage. Don’t you want to be free?

Lets start this process over. Email your lists to me. We can go over them together. You can see what I can’t see and vice versa.

Last thing to remember, your journey is your journey. Stop comparing your life to those people you see on social media. Most of them are stunting so hard that even you would be shocked.

Until next time…Let’s be great! Lets be transparent! Lets be honest.

Keisha

Why you won’t see me judging anybody

On social media, you won’t see me posting about mass shootings. Mothers killing their children. Fathers killing their kids. People committing suicide. You know why? First of all, I don’t know what anybody’s mindset is. Second and lastly, I CANNOT JUDGE ANYBODY!!!! The bible says,

1 Peter 3: Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brother and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.”

Now, lets be clear, I do not condone any of it. It broke my heart when I HEARD(I did not watch. You have to be careful about the things you allow into your mind. That image will forever be there) about the video of the elderly man in Cleveland that was killed today. Like, always, I wondered what he was thinking when that situation was unfolding. I’m praying that his relationship with God is on point. But at this point, Heaven is so much better than this cruel world.

What I want to say is, MENTAL ILLNESS is real!!! And like I always say, you cannot see it from the outside. You know how I know? I battle with this daily. Severe depression. Post traumatic stress disorder. Anxiety. All triggered from things that I go through daily. ONE traumatic situation caused a series of mental illnesses. Again, I struggle daily! I’m just blessed with an awesome support system. My family and friends LISTEN to me when I’m having rough spells. They don’t understand but they don’t blow me off. All it takes is a few moments to listen to someone when they’re expressing themselves. Just listen.

Do you know how many people suffer in silence because of shame and embarrassment? Do you think it’s easy to admit to someone that you have a mental illness? Do you know the stigmas attached? Do you know that it’s by the grace of God that you’re not suffering? It’s free to be there for someone. But do you know that a few minutes of being there for a friend or family can save people a lot of heartache. It can deter some tragic situations. Example, what happened in Cleveland today. I didn’t watch the video of the man being killed. But I did watch the video of Stevie Steve talking to a friend and one thing that stood out to me was him saying, “I snapped. And when I try to talk to ya’ll, you blow me off like I’m just talking..” No one listened. Now, 14 people are dead. Likely 15 when the police catch him or if he commits suicide. No one took his pain seriously.

That’s just like when Shanynthia Gardner murdered her children last July. The first thing people did was condemn her to hell. They wanted her to be stabbed to death like her children were. They wanted her gone. But when I heard that story, my heart immediately asked questions. Why didn’t anyone see the signs? Why wasn’t she being treated for mental issues? Was she overwhelmed? Why did she snap? I didn’t judge her because I’m not God. I wish more people would look around at their friends, family and coworkers to see if they’re really ok.

And why is it so hard for people to understand that black people suffer from mental illnesses? Why are we exempt? When tragic situations like these happen, people automatically say, “black people don’t do that!”. Well, we snap like any other race. Why do you have to pretend that you’re ok? It’s ok to not be ok! We are killing ourselves mentally because we don’t want people to look at us funny. But guess what? When you snap, they’re going to talk about you anyway. So get the help you need.

My friends, when you ask someone how they’re doing, don’t accept the “I’m fines” or  the “everything is goods”. They’re not. Take five minutes out of your day and genuinely listen. Be sincerely concerned. Don’t run back and tell their business. That’s why people suffer in silence. We’re afraid that you’re going to tell everybody you know that I told you that I’m having problems. Don’t revel in someone’s misery. Don’t be giddy to spread a private conversation. Encourage the people that you love to seek the help they need. Prayer is great. God is a healer and He is faithful. However, I feel that he wants you to utilize the resources that are available.

I know people are going to rip me apart for this blog because I’m writing this from a different perspective. But at this point, I’m just writing what I feel led to share. I’m unashamed to say that I suffer. I won’t suffer in silence anymore.

You won’t see me judging anyone for their actions. I may not agree with them, but I won’t speak about what someone else is going through. We are all one situation from something tragic happening. I will attach some scriptures. I hope that people read and study these with open minds and hearts.

Romans 14:13 “So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall”

Luke 6: 27 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.

1 Timothy 5:24 “Remember the sins of some people are obvious, leading them to certain judgment. But there are others whose sins will not be revealed until later.

Love each other. Be compassionate towards each other. Pray for each other. Pray for peace of your mind daily!!!!

Keisha

Who’s fighting for you?

Do you sometimes wonder how you’ve made it through certain situations in your life? Like, why your situation didn’t kill you or make you just completely give up on everything? 

That’s because you have someone in your life that’s fighting for you. Even when you don’t see it or feel it. God is still there. Always! Fighting those battles that you don’t even know you’re in. Battles that Satan are trying to take you out with. 

God loves us so much more than you’ll ever know. He’s waiting for you to put all of your faith in Him. He wants you to trust Him wholeheartedly. 

Isaiah 12:12 I trust You to save me Lord God and I won’t be afraid…

When you can’t figure out life and you’re stressed out beyond belief. Look at, 

Proverbs 3:5 trust in the Lord with all of your heart. Do not depend on your own understanding…

Stop trying to figure out everything on your own. 

Also, He blesses those who depend and trust Him during these trying times. It’s not in vain. 

Jeremiah 17:7 but blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence 

He protects you because you believe in Him. 

Psalm 91 the Lord says, l will rescue those who love Me. I will protect those who trust in My name..

Don’t worry about what people think about you. Don’t be concerned about who or what they want you to be. Trust that God knows what He’s doing in your life. He knows what’s best. Even when you don’t understand. 

Have faith in yourself and have confidence in your abilities. Follow your dreams. If you want to be a writer, don’t let anybody censor you. If you want to be a singer, sing your heart out and make sure you’re giving the glory to God. Sing for Him. If you want to start a business, start it. But don’t be discouraged if you don’t make millions of dollars your first few months. Perfect your craft and keep going. 

No matter what people think about you, know that God is fighting for you. He doesn’t want to lose you. 

Fight for your marriages. For fight your family. Fight for your friends. They can’t be replaced. Fight for your dreams. Just keep fighting. God has the rest. 

And also, so many are rooting for you. We have to support and generally love each other. Let’s fight for each other. Listen to this song by Mali music 💜

I know they see you and they want you
I know they see you and they want to

Make you who they want you to be

I know that life is tryna to get you

I know that life is calling out to you by your name

But don’t listen, resist it

Keep running, don’t you stop for nothing

Just keep kicking, remember where you came from

Don’t forget what you already know

What you got is amazing, hold that, don’t you let it go

You hold the light, you hold the light
You hold the light and it’s shining

And making darker places bright and you lighter

You hold the light, you got a lot

You bring a lot, you bring a lot

And it’s evident they can see it, they want in it

But it’s not for the taking, it’s not for the changing

No it’s not for remixing, it’s not for remaking alright.

So they lining up to take it alright

I can’t let them take my you, you know I write for you yeah

I won’t let them take you, I won’t let them
I won’t let them take you, I’ll be your protection

I’ll be your direction yeah, I’ll be your protector

You know I’ll rather fight for you, I’ll fight for you

I’ll fight for you, you knowing I’m fighting

Cause I refuse to lose you 

Fighting cause I refuse to lose you…

The butterfly…

I’m sitting here at work and I’m a little down today because it seems like the things that I really want in my life seem to pass me by and go on to others. I sometimes think, “Dang, don’t I deserve SOME of the things I pray and ask for?” And today while I’m ALL in my feelings I started reading on the internet and I came across this.

Quick little story…

A man found the cocoon of a butterfly. One day, a small opening appeared. The man sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force it’s body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and that it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small shriveled wings.The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly. What the man, in kindness did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it could and would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly.
When you ask God for strength, He gives you difficulties to make you strong. When you ask for wisdom, God will give you problems to solve. If you ask for prosperity, He will give you a brain and will to work. Ask for courage and He will give you dangers to overcome. You can ask for love and He will give you troubled people to help. Ask for favor and you will get opportunities you weren’t qualified for. You may not receive everything you want, how YOU wanted but you will get everything you NEED.
So basically (and this is what I’ve always known) everybody won’t run the race at that the same pace. Some may come in first. Some come in third. Some come in last. But at the end of the day, the goal is to cross the finish line.
A few weeks ago, I dropped Brandon off in Brinkley but on the way back  I said to myself, “I’m taking the back way home.” It was raining and I know that traffic can back up any time on Hwy 70. So as I was driving I can still see Hwy 55. Well, I drove at a good pace. Enjoying the scenery and I look over at Hwy 55. The traffic is slowing down. And I’m just cruising along listening to my music. Minding my business. Lol. Then I look over again and traffic is at a stand still. I’m thinking, what happened? They were just moving. I drive up and I see that there’s a car accident. But while their lane has stopped, mine is still moving. So I speed up and I pass the car accident but then I’M stuck! Other cars and trucks decided to take a shortcut and it stopped me! By now, I’ve passed the car accident on 55 but their lane is moving and I’m stuck. Then it hit me. We’re all going the same direction but our trips will not be the same. Those that know me KNOW that I got emotional. We were all going in the same direction. 
 With all of that being said. Trust your journey. You may see other’s getting married, getting promotions, having babies, buying houses and traveling while you’re wondering when you will be blessed with these things but GOD knows. You don’t know what they’ve gone through to get to that point. You will get there too. Your journey isn’t theirs and theirs isn’t yours.
So I will TRY to be patient and know that God is getting me ready and when I’m blessed with the things I desire, I’ll be able to appreciate them.
 
Remember your journey is YOURS! What I’ve been through could have killed you. What you’ve been through, could have harmed me. Learn the lessons so you can pass the tests.
You’ve got this!
Be blessed.

Going up…

Brandon and I were driving home tonight and I had my music playing from my phone. Now, I have some of everything in my library from Evanescence to Beyonce to Tupac to John P Kee, lol. I love music and if I can get meaning out of it, even better. 

Well, it’s quite ironic that this song I grew up hearing came on. I haven’t heard it in a while but it’s so befitting right now. So many people are suffering from painful, life threatening, difficult illnesses. They want to get better and they try so hard to hold on. Or they are involved in freak accidents that leave them on ventilators and leaving family members with the heartbreaking tasks of removing them from life support. (My family and I have been there with Chance). A couple of months ago, I lost a relative to a motorcycle accident. He fought for a few days. Until he couldn’t anymore. (Another blog for another time)

Anyway, we want for them to make it out of these situations. For us. But they are going through so much. It’s almost unbearable for them. They hold on in pain and agony for us. Because they know how hard their leaving will be on us. They love us that much that they’ll go through the chemos, the therapy, the surgeries, etc just to be here for us. But they’d rather be free from the suffering. 

Back to our ride home. This song came on that most people in my age group( I know my brother Zrano knows it because our parents played it ALL the time) and older know. It’s called “Going up Yonder” by Walter Hawkins and the Love Center Choir. Now, when you’re a kid, you can’t really understand the meanings behind these songs. But when you get older and you experience some things, these words can speak to your heart like nothing else. The part in the song that completely broke me down tonight’s says, 

I can take the pain

The heartaches they bring

The comfort in knowing

I’ll soon be gone
As God gives me grace

I’ll run this race

Until I see my Savior

Face to face

So to me, what this says is, our loved ones can endure the pain of their illnesses. They will take on the hurt but they find comfort in knowing that once it’s over, they’ll be safe in the arms of Jesus. They know that God gives them the strength to gracefully enter His Kingdom. Once the temporary suffering is over, they’ll be face to face with Him. 

Let me tell you that Brandon had to ask me if I was ok because I cried like a baby. I told him I was great because as long as we have breath, we have another “chance” to get our lives together. 

So for those that are facing illness and possibly death. Those who have lost family members. Those who have family members that are in pain and facing some difficult situations, pray for peace for them while their transitioning. For those family members that have gone on, they’ve gone up yonder and we wouldn’t want them here in the state they were in. God has made them whole and new. They are soooooo happy. Be thankful for that. 

I’m going to leave the song here for those who’ve never heard it. I promise, it will bless you. 

K. Bowles